To few but loyal followers let me say I am truly sorry for my hiatus from this site.
I haven't done much art or writing in nearly a year now for oh so many reasons but that is no excuse to neglect something that always helped me express myself no matter how badly it came out.
To be honest, the last 11 months I have been on a rollarcoaster of a life and it is only now that I feel healed and me enough to start getting back into my art and poor writing.
I want to speak out to you for a moment about something that has come to be a personal battle and mission of mine.
Last March, I thought I found the man of my dreams, a former marine, cowboy, ex-bull rider and so very handsome and attentive. I threw myself into a relationship with him, having believed with every ounce of my being that this was the man I was going to marry and have kids with. Moving in together almost right away, we spent every moment we could together. I bought my first new car, was working full time in my real world job and still training and teaching riding lessons. He was right there with me.
Soon things started to change, but I was too in love to see them for myself. My family saw it, my sister... my sister saw him for what he was right away but wanted to give him a chance as he made me so happy. he would take me car to 'work' or out to visit his cousins, but I couldn't go because I had to work. He couldn't hold a job for more then a week or two... then he was forced to leave but it was always his employers fault. He ended up having emergency surgery and I spent every moment I wasn't at work at his bed side.
After he was healed we moved into our own place, that's when I started to notice a change in him... he started to push me to spend less time at the farm with my family, less time with friends and whenever I left for work, he would out right ask who I was sleeping with at work... if I put on too much make-up... I must be cheating on him...
If I wanted to go to lunch with my bff... I was cheating... I was going to leave him.. everything was my fault. If we fought, I would cower and buckle down and apologize just to stop the fighting, cause I loved him so very much. I only once stood up for myself and fought back and that was the night, I realize now, that if my BFF and her kids didn't just stop by, he would have hit me. He was fixing too, I saw it in his eyes.
I went to my sister, to demand she treat him with more respect and to tell her I was moving my horse to my clients barn. I was tired of the fighting between her and my love. As I sat on the floor of my old bedroom, she gave me a look so sad that I demanded to know what her problem with him was. It was then I was presented with 11yrs of criminal records and violence towards woman... all with his name on it.
I broke down...
I broke apart into piece right on the rug of my old bedroom.
The reality of the man I was devoting my life to slapped me in the face and punch me in the gut.
I left him that night.
It didn't end there, there have been many months of struggles and legal stuff.. but I found my courage and I walked away.
Domestic Violence is not just physical... it's mental and verbal abuse. Mental abuse can be just as damaging as physical.
Just because he doesn't hit you, doesn't mean he isn't abusing you.
I am healing, every day I am stronger and a better me. I have met another, a man that knew me before and a friend first. He plays no games, no bull, it's a slow quiet relaxed relationship and he knows my wounds and scars are still quite fresh and that is ok.
I ask those of you reading this, if you know of someone that is in an abusive relationship whether it be physical or mental/verbal, don't demand, don't make them feel like they are stupid for staying. They don't see it. Simply tell them, you are there, and it's their choice to walk away and find the courage to leave. You, as there support, simply need to be there for them.
I will no longer be silent about the abuse I endured.
I am Silent No More.
Domestic Violence is NOT acceptable.